Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
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SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
My daily affirmation
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair