Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
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what if we kissed on the garfield couch
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Me trying to walk in a dream
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.