goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I’m sure it’s fine.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED