Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
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I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs