2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
You Might Also Like
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
the composer
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”