I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
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Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*