JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
You Might Also Like
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered