I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
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You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?