Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
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Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Think I pulled my liver
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
hackers play passwordle
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life