Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
You Might Also Like
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine