*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
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The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.