My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
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me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?