So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
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I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private