Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
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I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work