Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
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I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Gemma Correll
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Tier 3 meme
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.