First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
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“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”