Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
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Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”