[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
You Might Also Like
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Ladies, why y’all do this?
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here