My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
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Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…