Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
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My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there