Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
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in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea: