Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
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me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
How to properly lift a body
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up