Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
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I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”