Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
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Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER