ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
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I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
how long have you had this for?
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero