I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
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(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.