I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
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the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Holy moly
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
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