[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
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New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Nice try Hitler
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis