🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
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Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
sugar glider wrangler
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!