Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
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Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf