Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
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SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
My Sentiments Exactly
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
what could possibly go wrong?
I need better friends
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.