HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
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My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.