Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
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Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
*swipes right on my hand mirror
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.