A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
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I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Just this preview of the story is enough
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *