Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
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I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?