[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
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Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?