Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
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How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.