Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
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(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
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If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.