Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
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Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
my nickname in college