It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
anyone else like Italian cereal
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.