If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
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Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.