Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
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Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.