Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
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I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
yeah 😭
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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