So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
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Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.