The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
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“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Storm Tropical Storm
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
*launders Kohls cash*
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.