Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
You Might Also Like
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
He a real one for that
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit