In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
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Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
smh
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Ugh
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.