Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
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*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
this came to me in a vision
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew