I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
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That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”