If a snake ate a cake
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ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
What flavor cupcake are these
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u